The Magnificent Seven
by cuddyclothes
Summary: Seven cracky drabbles, featuring Dean, Sam, Castiel and several other SPN favorites. Among the topics are disobedience, humanity, and of course, pie.


AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL

The man in the trench coat appeared in the middle of the school hallway. Harmony watched him gaze at the children. Then he walked toward her. The man did not look down at Harmony, only at the large table of cakes and cookies in front of her.

"Do you want a cookie, mister? They're fifty cents. It's for our school bake sale!"

The man looked at her.

"You will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord, or I shall destroy you."

"MOM!"

When Harmony opened her eyes, the man was gone. So was a tray of cupcakes.

HOME

Charlie loved the Men of Letters bunker. All of the super-cool antique equipment, the big telescope, everything. She got Wi-Fi, so she could still play all of her favorite RP games (including the RPS Scarlett Johannson and Kirsten Dunst). And that was before she found the dungeon.

Dean was an amazing cook. He even made vegan food for Kevin.

If he knew how dorky he looked bustling around the huge kitchen in a chef's apron, he would pass out.

The bunker was perfect.

Now all she had to do was convince the boys to let her bring home her dates.

CHANGING CHANNELS

His mouth was dry, his heart beat a little too fast. But he was more than ready. He knew he was up to the challenge. He'd gone over the instructions again and again. He was a hunter, he'd faced down every monster on God's green earth. So what if there were butterflies in his stomach? He was damned if he couldn't do this.

The picture on one side of the screen came up. "That's me, at 260 pounds."

He stepped from behind the screen and smiled at the camera. "I'm Bobby Singer, and I lost sixty-eight pounds with Jenny Craig."

RED EYES AT MORNING

"Oh, yeah, baby, you like that," said "Jeanette," lightly stroking Dean's naked torso.

"You know I do." Her fingers felt so small, so good, he relaxed under them, imagining the wild passion that was about to ensue. "Jeanette" (he knew these women never used their real names) ran her fingernail down his neck. She licked the base of his collar.

Dean woke up. He was staring directly into the face of a raccoon.

"HEY," he screamed, throwing the raccoon off. It skittered into the woods.

Dean hated it when they had to sleep outdoors.

He really needed to get laid.

DEAD IN THE WATER

Sam lounged by the Men of Letters pool, watching Cas. Cas dove downward. Sam didn't worry—Cas wasn't capable of drowning. The angel looked ridiculous in the grey wool old-man bathing suit.

Cas popped to the surface and flipped his hair off his face.

"Having fun?" asked Sam.

"Yes." Cas dove under again. When he came up, Sam's curiosity got the better of him.

"What are you doing down there?"

Cas smiled. "I'm writing smutty limericks in Enochian in the mold at the bottom. There once was an angel named Michael—"

"STOP!"

Cas had to stop hanging around Dean.

THERE WILL BE BLECCCH

"Dean, as a human, I am encountering some definite problems ." Cas looked deeply embarrassed.

"We all do, go on, tell me what's wrong."

Cas hemmed and hawed, looked away in one direction, then another.

"C'mon, Cas, talk to me." Dean leaned back again the MoL map table.

Haltingly, Cas told Dean of his travails. Dean's eyes nearly fell out of his head.

"Cas, you know we're family, but—but-"

Cas's liquid blue eyes looked sadly at Dean. "I'm sorry, but you're the only one who can help."

"I cannot believe that I have to POTTY-TRAIN a damn angel!"

BITTEN

Dean stood behind the wide steel table, arms folded behind his back. Charlie, Kevin, Garth, and Sam were in a line.

"Contestants, it is time to see if you met the challenge."

"Eek," Charlie whispered.

"Don't be afraid," muttered Sam.

"SILENCE until I give my decision."

Dean walked the length of the steel table. Cherry pie, banana cream pie, blueberry pie, and pecan pie.

Using a spatula, Dean shoved it into each pie, taking big, sloppy bites.

"So, who wins?" asked Sam.

Dean grinned at him through a mouthful of banana cream. "Me. I get to keep all the pies."

DISOBEDIENCE

The two angels stood across from each other in the open field. "We shouldn't do this," "Anna," Castiel said, "This is disobedience."

"I know. Sometimes disobedience is more important than what they order us to do."

"This might be actual blasphemy."  
"Follow my lead."

Anna pushed the button on cassette player. She stood before Castiel, and they linked arms.

_Boil them cabbages down,_

_Bake them biscuits brown,_

_The only song that I can sing is boil them cabbages down_

Why was it called "square dancing" when they were dancing in circles? And what was a "dosey-doe"?

If only all disobedience was this much fun.


End file.
